Don't worry, I finished my list.

Sometimes my neighborhood is scary. Friday evening I was sitting at the kitchen table making another list...bananas, Matt cookies, turkey, pita bre.....

"No, n*gga, NO N*GGA, NO!"

I turned off our dining room light and ran to the front door to peek outside. There was a tall man, trailing another boy/man who was bike/walking (to do this, put the bike between your legs, but walk). The tall man was screaming in a very loud, bruising sort of way. I was able to catch part of the conversation; he was upset that he moved from Chicago to deal with this sh*t. He did not think it was cool of the other guy to tell people that he broke into some one's crib when he had his gun on him. He didn't "sign on for this sh*t" and all he wanted to do was go downtown to "f*ck some ho's".

I can kind of see his point.

It's highly irritating when someone makes bad your name when you are an enthusiast of firearms and enjoy carrying. Also, I know I would prefer to save Friday evenings for Ho F*cking and not Bike/Walker trailing. Sheeeit.
So, the police arrived in record time, and had both men up against the car, patted them down, let the younger, shy one go, and took the Windy City native into custody.
The sad (not funny sad, but real sad) part was that a couple little kids a few doors down watched the whole thing. I believe they are siblings or cousins of one or both men. That made me fume. It creates a division on our block, and, unfortunately, it appears to be a racial division because the screamer happens to be black. Why do I wish it had been a white guy? Would that help? How would I feel if I had children? I did think about how my nieces were visiting last weekend, and it triggered a different level of irritation in me. I imagined myself running outside, in my underwear, to scream "Shut the f*ck up, you loud, stupid piece of sh*t!" Then it became a more proper scream, "Shut up, immediately! I'm trying to write my co-op grocery list! Learn to RIDE that bike! Is it even YOUR bike? THIEF!" And so on...I felt very Girls In the Hood. Girlz 'n da' hood?

But I didn't do any of that. I stood in my porch, where the shadows could hide me, to watch as the police took one away and other one was left on the sidewalk, laughing, pulling his long, stupid t-shirt over his face to laugh INTO, flailing his arms about, yelling about how it's all "boooolsheeit! F*ckin' boolsheeeit", all the while those kids were still outside, taking it all in. That should be a great back to school story.

Crying, donuts, and orgasms do not always go together.

I had a real moment yesterday. A real moment that has been nearing the surface for some time now, but it decided it needed out last night.
It's been a real struggle, a real annoying, redundant, struggle for me to take each day as it comes. I have so many great things going on and many more to look forward to, but I've been going through each day as if I'm crossing it off the calendar. I really do not have any deadlines, so to speak, or tests coming up, or family issues that need dealing with immediately. I think it's hard for me to function without these things, without being able to see them on my planner, I become a bit nervous, and even confused. It's really just part of who I am.
Yesterday evening, I came to a better place with it all.
I had a good explosive crying session by myself while lying naked on my bed. My husband had gone downstairs because I needed "time by myself". It actually all started with sex-with the two of us. We were starting out, and I decided to use my vibrator, well, it just wasn't working. I was too distracted. I realized that I probably just needed a good f*ck and I wasn't in a place to take time for myself. I began to get irritated, so I asked Pete to go downstairs so I could have time with myself first. He did, oh so patiently. I then started in with myself. Well, I made the mistake of imagining what I looked like at that moment; vibrator buzzing, contorted look on my face, the sad picture of body/mind/soul separation. I was not there. I was thinking about how it was my turn to pick up donuts that Friday for my co-workers. I was thinking about how I needed to wash the cooler out for camping that following week. These are not clitorally-stimulating thoughts. Donuts are good, but not that good. I was not able to give myself an orgasm. And that made me cry. It was a sudden, exasperated, exhale of a cry. I turned the vibrator off and made sure she knew I didn't blame Her (I think subconsciously, I was forgiving myself as well). While crying, I was able to put some words together about how I felt and why. It was a personal, if not a sexual, relief.
Then I had sex. I had sex because I DID need a good f*ck. I called my life mate upstairs, he saw that I had damp, red eyes and asked "what's wrong?" and I just said "I'm fine now, but I want some sex"...this isn't exactly easy for HIM because he'd rather have sex when I have laughter in my eyes, but, hey, you don't always get the glee. Sometimes, you won't even get my full attention, but I still want it and need the close, physical, emotional contact. Sometimes, it just needs to be happening, and if I'm able to fully involve myself, I will do so.
The sex was very good, btw.
Then I did the post-sex-sitting-on-the-toilet-to-pee (because it's good for your urinary tract to pee after sex)-confession-talk. He was lying on the floor outside the bathroom, taking it in, but also probably trying to stay awake.
We've both been busy. I missed him and wanted to know that we would have some sort of getaway in the near future. I felt guilty for feeling stressed because I was so busy, especially since it was all really good stuff; clients, plans with friends, camping, etc. These are good! However, I had forgotten to schedule days off for myself. I need those open evenings/days to work out, to cut fruit and veggies, to watch The Office (and Weeds 2, soon!), to have laughter-in-my-eyes sex. That is so obvious, and I am always telling my clients and friends to do these things (clarification, I don't give my clients sex advice, I just suggest to take time for themselves).
I need to take my own advice.
I will be fine.

Settled=Content

I've been feeling antsy this week. I have six clients scheduled over the course of seven days, I need to start thinking about packing for camping, I need to schedule a time for my discussion group in September, I have to know I have a haircut scheduled soon (I am feeling frumpier every day-I don't know if I can withstand the growing out process. I might cut it again.), and I have, like, three pregnant friends I want to check in with.
The camping trip I need to prepare for was supposed to include me, Pete, my friend Angie, and her b-friend Andy. This would have been the third consecutive year we camped together, and I was looking forward to it because we reserved a small camping cabin near Tettegouche Falls instead of tenting it. Tenting once a year is fine, but it was either tents or food, and food won. We ate too many of those just-add-water dinners. I retained water like a buffalo that weekend (do they retain water? Probably not. I think we are the only mammals who do so.) By not packing the tents, we were allowing for more Real Food room. Well, we will have plenty of god damn food room because both my guy and Angie's guy didn't get off of work. In my guy's case, it is the busiest time of year, and so, he couldn't do it. The issue here is that he knew this ahead of time, but wasn't listening when we made the reservation, so on and so on. Angie's guy just recently decided to ASK for the time off, and, he didn't get it. I have bitched about this so many times that I feel like the resentment has to almost be gone, but every time I start in on it, it comes back. WTF!?!?!?!
So, it will be Girl Time. It will enjoyable, but if I really had to choose what to do for Girl Time it wouldn't be camping. I like the outdoors and I really love the Northshore, but I never know what to bring or how much. I was also really looking forward to having time with Pete, even if we weren't always alone. Yup, I'm still bitter. I need to see this a much-needed opportunity to bond with nature, get out of the city, and relax. I love laying on the rocks.
Onto the pregnant friends and sister...there's really nothing else that will grab a hold of you and scream "You are getting older!" than a close friend saying she's pregnant. I don't know if it's because I grew up in a small town and have those roots that say you must have a child (once you are married, of course) by the time you are 20, but when I hear that another one of "me" is with child, I gasp. The most recent annoucement was a very pleasant surprise, and it was also an annoucement that made me realize it's becoming more and more ok. I know I'll have children someday, but I wish I'd quit thinking about it as the "end point" of my "other life". I am very much settled in; I'm married, own a home, have worked at the same company for almost five years...yeah...but there is so much I need to do before I want to be a mother. Next summer I will be taking my first out of the US trip to Norway. I'm not well traveled, even though I'm open to it. There are always many reasons to not travel; money, time, and not to mention all those very dangerous people OUTSIDE our country. I've heard awful things about Canadians. Really though, I've just been doing other things.
Being settled is not a negative thing. I feel I'm "settled", but in a comfortable sort of way, not a closed, trapped way. I have to admit though, I've been living life in that "what's next" mode. I think it's a habit from being in school, and being a scheduled, organized person, but it's starting to get better. I am able to stay in the moment for longer, which is a big emotional accomplishment for me.
I am someone who needs to feel settled. I don't need a lot of stuff. It's more about reaching that place inside when you feel safe and are able to sleep well. There will always be a lot going on around me, but I'm most content when I can take in a healthy balance. I don't need or want all of it. Not yet and not all at once.

This Week

The work week has been incredibly busy for me. I've been covering for a co-worker who is out on vacation, along with doing my regular job. Luckily, my regular job isn't too busy stressful this time of year, so I really haven't had many problems handling the work load.

My mom is in Ironwood, MI right now trying to help her mother die peacefully. I mean, she is making sure she's comfortable, has her oxygen tank, eats at least something (she likes warm liquid lime jello), and she is trying to make her sister, who has been the primary caregiver, eat something besides lettuce and cottage cheese. It's a weird, sick house, and I feel lucky to not have to be there, but full of guilt for not wanting to be there. I hope that when I am dying no one feels guilty. I really hope that when it happens, it won't be a long period of sadness and waiting, and the mourning itself is full and plenty, so that my loved ones can move on. I don't want to be forgotten, but I don't want to be the reason that holds anyone back from living. My perspective on dying isn't completely clear to me, but I think I feel like the afterlife will be a great gathering place. I mean, I love life, but I hope EVERYONE can love their afterlife. I believe everyone has regular, healthy BM's in the afterlife, and the poo just disappears.
In all seriousness, I love my gramma, and I really have been praying for her to have a peaceful death, and soon. There is no point in her suffering for one more moment.
A couple days ago, my brother was arrested outside the house of a meth dealer. He was only found with a pipe, but was handcuffed outside the house for two hours...this house is located on a busier street in my small home town. I would have preferred him to be caught with more so that he would go to jail and be out of my parent's home. I can't remember when I started to wish for things like that, but I never thought I'd be that person. I don't feel too bad about it though. I'm sick of him hurting my parents, my family, and himself. I don't want him to hurt anyone else, and I know that for him to stop something BIG needs/will to happen. That terrifies me. Him hurting someone else, someone innocent, is worse, in my opinion, than him hurting himself. Should I say I feel heartless? Probably. But I don't. I just know that regret runs deep, and he already has enough he needs to work through (not that he's started).

Like I said, it's been a busy week, and I need to keep working.

Opportunities and Responsibilities

I am thoroughly enjoying my iced tea today. I brewed it this morning, so it's real and fresh. Well, I guess I don't know how old the bags were...but I feel good about this. Yum. I feel like it opens up my throat, and with this humidity, I need something to open me up and clear my head.

I had the pleasure of being able to visit with some college friends last night. I was able to work on both of them, which was an honor. I really mean that. Bodywork is a very intimate thing, and it's not always easy to accept, so when someone opens themselves up to me, I feel honored and very thankful. There is much in our world that is closed off and locked up, and it's always invigorating to be able to share calmness and peace with another person. It's the exchange of energy, the awakening of spirits, and just a moment that can be easy and good.
We also had dinner together and great conversation. They live in the same state, but we, unfortunately, only see each other maybe once a year. I want that to change. I am going to make a fall trip...it just needs to happen.

I was reminded last night of one of the reasons I decided to start blogging in the first place. I wanted to write again, and hand written journaling wasn't happening for me. I wasn't disciplined enough, and, quite honestly, I write too slowly for the speed of my thoughts (this isn't me saying I'm excelled, it's me saying I can be completely manic on the most regular of days).
This past year, I had an incident at work that made me realize I needed an outlet again. I needed to find an outlet that I would use, and that I could share. I had thoughts that I really felt swallowed by, and an itch to throw them around. A co-worker and I got into a heated argument about gay marriage. I'm a believer of equality. He, obviously, is not...or at least not for ALL people. I won' t go into the verbiage, because there's too much. What bothered me the most was the look in his eyes. He's a great guy. A funny, smart, nice guy, but what was that!?! The look was so hateful and angry, and it stirred something in me, my own anger and despise, for Hateful People. I could have walked away, and I almost did, because I got so mad, and we were at work. Luckily, the room that this altercation happened in was a secured, badge-only entrance space. The conversation went on for a good half hour, until another co-worker entered the room, and we were interrupted. After that co-worker left, there was a silence that I would normally laugh at, but I felt so much disappointment. He tried to laugh off the whole incident by saying "You got really mad", as though he had been "kidding" the whole time. But I called him on it, making sure he knew that I knew he HAD NOT been kidding around, and that I knew he was trying to laugh it off now. He didn't say much. I normally cannot debate well, because I stumble around, get choked up, and if I get too passionate, I want to cry. It's not pretty, and it's hardly influential. This time, however, I was able to form words and sentences and they flowed out of me without tripping over each other. I even made eye contact and refrained from too much hands-on-the-hips-I'm-an-angry-little-mom action. Thank God, I left my hips out of it.
Anyways, my delivery is a small part of this story. It was important to me that he knew I was disappointed and angry that he had those views. I wanted him to know that, because I like him, it made me sad that he had so much hate. He didn't say anything to that. It was uncomfortable, and that was completely appropriate. It would have been an act of cowardice to have made it comfortable.
What do you do? What do you do when you truly like a person, but they have views that are not only different politically, but also different and conflicting on a humane level? He hates that people are gay. Does he hate all gay people? No, I really don't think he does, but how can you be so consumed with disgust and anger because a man loves another man, or a woman wants to adopt a child with another woman? How does their love affect you so much that the sparkle in your eyes turns into something beady and sharp?
Without hesitation, I still like this guy. I do not like his views, and I hope that he was able to see how his own hate affects how someone sees him. He knows we are friends and I wonder if he considers how I could distance myself from him because he has this darkness, but I don't. I feel like that wouldn't change anything, and even though you aren't supposed to want to "change" a friend, I hope that I can help him. Is that arrogant to want to "help" someone not hate? Do I have that ability, or even the energy?

This is why I needed to write again. Where else can you put these questions? How can someone hold onto all the questions they have and not spread them out and let them connect with others? I hope these concerns I have can find their match out there and become louder. I don't think there is even an answer, but maybe if they are loud enough, everyone will at least listen.

Things I Want To Do

Lists are wonderful. They help clear my head, organize my thoughts, and I like to cross out things I've accomplished and say DONE. I am constantly making lists; chores, groceries, projects, books to read, etc. On my fridge is a list labeled "To Do Before Snow Falls", but previous to that title it read, "To Do This Summer", but even putting that label on it caused anxiety. The little fingers in my mind started to page through my planner frantically, and I realized that I have to stop doing that to myself. Deadlines are good, but not when you know it will be a complete struggle to accomplish the task at hand (especially when the task is "organize cards", meaning Birthday, Sympathy, Greeting...and so on. I like to plan ahead.)
Anyways, I was browsing some other blogs (which I intend on putting a link to one of these days), and I LOVE reading people's lists of To Do, Goals, even packing lists. It brings me joy to view other's attempts at organization and focus. I came across a list titled "Things I Want to Do", and they were given short term, long term time lines. This was a fun one, so I've decided to do the same, but I'm making separate work, career, and personal lists. Eventually, they all blend, but it takes a different part of the brain to "manage" (attack? find? Enjoy? I hope so!). Here goes...
Ok. I started the separate list approach, but I think I'll make one, big To Do list. I need to start the blending NOW...

Things I Want To Do

-work on at least one new client every month
-retain clients
-work on at least five clients each month
-learn more about cupping techniques
-take at least one workshop a year
-have monthly discussion groups with former classmates
-volunteer my shiatsu once every couple months
-volunteer at a woman's shelter or Center for Victims of Torture
-meditate/stretch before client arrive
-meditate/stretch after client leaves
-get back into creative editing within the next two years
-reach five year mark at current job (March!)
-revise resume for creative editing positions
-travel to Norway
-travel out of the country at least once every two years starting next year (Canada counts!)
-bike more with life mate
-bike more by myself
-take walks in morning before work
-walk my dog more and longer distances, patiently allow him to sniff all trees
-"Cute Up" my bike (pink grips and tires, new pedals, stickers from Northern Sun) to make it more ME
-continue to purchase most groceries at co-op
-buy local and organic as much as possible. Local before organic.
-buy Christmas gifts this year from non-profit, local, and co-op organizations. No Target. No malls (thank god)
-Get some color in my hair for the fall (red streaks?)
-Try Ashiatsu at Spot Spa
-Organize my cards, make more
-Buy less cards and give away handmade ones instead
-learn to cook tofu dishes that aren't gross
-cook more soup
-put up curtains in shiatsu room and bathroom
-bring extra furniture, movies, clothes to sister
-visit family more often
-put up family pictures and picture of map
-remove wallpaper in hallway and paint hallway
-put up new cupboard faces, remove wallpaper, paint, and new lighting in kitchen (in next couple years)
-help life mate start basement, but then step back because this project will go on for years
-lift weights at least twice a week
-stretch for at least ten minutes daily
-go to bed by 10pm, or earlier, on week nights
-think positive thoughts once in bed
-think positive thoughts as much as possible, or at least more often than negative thoughts
-breathe deeply
-pray
-have more spontaneous sex...with life mate...and self
-get into some good, fun books
-continue to grow out hair
-smile upon waking, no matter how early it is

more to come....

Last Night

I came out of my acupuncture appointment last night when I heard the news of the bridge collapse. I wanted to cry immediately. Was this because of the news? PMS? Acupuncture? When I got outside the clinic I tried calling my husband. Three times. I started to think about him and how there wasn't a reason for him to use that bridge, but what if he had? I thanked God that people (typically) don't bike across it, and that most of our friends lived in the city, so wouldn't use it. Right? Right? Finally, he called me back, almost irritated by all my phone calls. I knew he didn't know yet, but I still loudly asked "Where WERE you!?!" He had been mowing the lawn, and had no idea what had happened. We live about three miles from the bridge. Isn't that weird? It's just strange to think that there are people living much, much closer, but they probably weren't actually on it. How can you be so close to a disaster, but not be a direct part of it?
My mom was able to get through to me, but after speaking to her, my phone stopped accepting calls. The urgency in my mom's voice made my throat close up, just as it always has during heightened circumstances, as though to keep the screaming in. My chest felt very tight last night, and even when I cried, it wasn't enough. We have very little control over things like this.
There's a big part of me that isn't acknowledging it, not outwardly anyways. I prayed last night and again this morning as I watched the helicopters fly the rescued away. I really feel like keeping to myself for awhile, out of respect, and almost out of guilt that I live so close, but will be able to continue my life as usual.