Finances and Goals

Whoa, what a totally boring title...



I am a bodyworker. I feel fortunate that I have been able to pursue this career, even if only on the side. My real job is what pays the bills, but I don't mind that either. I am grateful for this, but I still feel a bit stifled. I wish I didn't have to spend the majority of my work week at a job I "don't mind". Basically, I love my co-workers, it's not stressful, we have a busy season, and it's tolerable, but I don't love the work I do. I'm never really proud of what I accomplish in a day. I have felt more pride in waxing our wood floors than I ever have over what I do every single day. I also fear becoming stuck. I am way too comfortable with my job, so comfortable that a challenging day has more to do with office politics than it does with my skill set. On the other hand, I'm thankful for this comfort, because it's allowed me to focus on building my practice up. While I was in school, I spent a lot of work hours studying for tests. This was sneaky, but really, it was that or reading CNN all day long (Ok, fine, or televisionwithoutpity). Also, many of my co-workers have become regular clients. It really has worked out. I just know that I need to move on in the next year or two. It's much less about the money than it is about personal goals. I want to do more, and I know if I don't move on soon, I will be labeled Too Specific in my field.

I would also like to make more money, and I know I could. Money is a horrid pain in the ass, but that's mainly the case when you don't have enough of it. I have become more responsible about budgeting and saving. My priority is to prevent financial discomfort and be more than just caught up. I want a back-up for emergencies; car repairs, home issues, family troubles. I do have a 401K through my full time job, and I just recently started a savings account. I want to not use the credit card for gas. That is so stupid, and I become very irritated with my own dependence every time I fill up. I also realize that if I am doing it on occasion, there are many others who do it consistently. Scary scary scary.

This leads me to the home buying topic. I think if my husband and I knew then what we know now, we might have waited to buy a home. I love our house most of the time, but I sometimes wish we had waited. Also, I am not good with long term projects, and home is one BIG long term project. Our home is old and has character, but the basement walls are also falling off/over/around, and my husband wants to fix that and finish the basement. I just want to check out altogether. I can barely handle the idea of wallpaper removal, which is one of the worse jobs ever, and taping before painting. If it were up to me, our walls wouldn't look so smooth because I would have done a half-ass sand down. I like little projects. Like organizing files or rearranging the magnets on the fridge.

Having a home will not prevent us from traveling, and even though we have threatened the walls around us with going back to renting, we know it wouldn't be a good financial move. Also, the basement will be worked on, and I'll have to get over that anxiety. Ultimately, you do what you truly want to do. We are in the process of discussing travel plans with another couple. It will happen, and the home will stay put.

Biked to Work

I feel really strong today. I biked to work (I'm trying to do this once a week) and I fought the wind the whole way (13 miles). I knew I would feel good about it, but the ride was tough. Once I'm out of the city, I try to slow down a bit (not pedal-wise, but mentally) and take in the change of scenery. The lush green colors, the smell of natural lakes (the ones that have been there for years and years), how the cool, heaviness of the trees and plants feel as I bike over a wooden walk bridge. I wish I could be quieter going over it, but I can actually see animals scurry away. I wonder if they are irritated by us humans, or just passively curious. Biking through a suburban park makes me love the city more. I appreciate the break, but I am also resentful that there isn't more of it. I guess it's easy to take the responsibility off of myself if I live in an already formed city, and not a constantly forest/land-demolishing suburb. I realize that by not working in the city, where I live, I also contribute to the environmental issues.

So, I try to not think of these things, but instead meditate on the simple wonders and natural occurrences that take place around me. I even bike on some gravel for part of the ride!!!

I have an interesting route. It takes me from one end of economic status to the other. You can tell by the noise level, the appearance of homes/shelter, the smells, the supervision of children, or lack there of, even by the dogs. I live in the city, and consider myself middle class, whatever that means, and I do feel like I choose to live more simply. I'm not so biased to think that there aren't plenty of suburbanites who also live simply, but from what I observe, I feel much less complicated. That's quite funny.

I hope it doesn't sound like I am just a great, big generalization-er. I can be, for sure, but I recognize that there are pockets of all kinds of people everywhere. I don't actually think that children are always supervised in the 'burbs, or even always cared for. I also realize that there are some well-to-do mofos living in some of those run down houses. Sneaky b*stards, just waiting to jump out at you and yell "JUST KIDDING! I'M NOT STARVING!"
To witness that would be a great Observation While Commuting.



I'll let you know.

Request

I need to write daily. I want to need to write daily. I want to enjoy needing to write daily.



Writing is an outlet, and I know I need that. I used to be able to make anything seem better by writing about it, writing creative nonfiction, poetry, or even little wisps of personal reflection. I tried doing sketching in my journals and I embarrassed myself. I'm not a sketcher.



Since the intervention with some family members, one has lost his job (indirectly related to the drug use. I think.), one hasn't really spoken to the family, and another pregnant family member is actually considering LIVING with one of the users. God. Damn. It.

So, what do I write about this? Right there is the incident, the Happenings, but where do I go from there? Writing from experience has heart, but it's also very scary. Putting yourself out there, exposing those emotions that are very acute and raw, is difficult.



I just talked with my pregnant sister, literally, and I think she'll stick to her plan. She knows she can't stay with someone who uses. She needs to start her own life away from the murk.

Wow. I feel much more hopeful all of sudden. This game of helplessness and hopefulness can be so exhausting!



I really just want them to live, to stay alive, and to not keep killing themselves. How do you ask someone that without breaking down?



Hey, could you please quit killing yourselves?

Do you think you could just plan on living and not die by choice?



Please. Please quit killing yourselves. Thanks.

To Introduce or Not

I don't want to start with some silly introduction, but I always journal that way. It drives me nuts, but it's the writer in me. Introduce, then produce. I completely just made that up. I'm so happy it rhymes.

I want to start this blog because I feel I will better keep up with my writing, or, to some degree, start writing again. I also, like many others, need an outlet for the negative, positive, and neutral energy that seems to whip around me at times. Lately, I have been trying to peacefully compromise my worlds, and it doesn't feel like it's working too well. I am hoping this could be a solution of sorts, or maybe I will just enjoy it enough that my worlds can continue colliding until they learn to just get along. I won't tell you my name, but I am sometimes passive, sometimes aggressive, and I do sometimes just wish for things to take care of themselves.

I forced myself to write in my pen and paper journal today. You know how ridiculous that can be...I'm hungry, I need to make some food and then eat it, now I need water because my chai is all watered down from the melted ice and it tastes like REALLY skim milk. Pee. Now I need to pee, and while I pee, I'll make a To Do list for tomorrow. Does that count as journaling? But I finally settled in for about twenty minutes and wrote a very honest entry about my emotional state, my family, and how my family affects said emotional state. It was helpful.

I have a fairly big, at-first-glance-from-the-outside normal family. Unfortunately, drug addiction has been in-and-out for many years, and just recently, it really seemed like we needed to Stop It. We had a half-ass intervention, but it was the first ever and it felt Big Ass at the time. Big Ass and heart breaking and rage inducing. I have felt too much anger in the past month, especially for someone who enjoys the idea of Peace and Hope.
I was Hoping to kick some a** after the family session, but instead we all ate some meat-filled dinner together, because good families eat meat together.
Believe me, I am no longer struggling with the reality of an imperfect family (that is so 90's). It doesn't exist. Who would want it to, really? I think we all just want to be happy and know our loved ones are happy as well. We all just want ANY relationship to feel Happy. I am actually very happy, but that's because I'm used to having this inner struggle. Having a family meeting was very uncomfortable, but it was finally something real and proactive, and about f*cking time, I might add.
Also, I did comment on the amount of anger I've been feeling, but I don't wish that anger away, just as long as I channel it productively. That anger kept me from crying during the family thing, which was good because I needed to be able to talk. It has helped me relate to other people's struggles and recognize the need to find an outlet (and I'm glad that people trust me in that way). It has also created a sometimes-wicked sense of humor. Laughing feels so good.

Yes, ok, that's all I want to say about that for now.

My wish for people today is to enjoy a deeper belly breath and SMILE upon the exhale.