Rebel Nester

I have watched my boss walk back and forth about 15 times today, and I am still choosing to blog. I feel rebellious and justified. I feel like every want I have, I will satisfy it, so that is why I am blogging with an Arnold Palmer (half lemonade, half ice tea) and these great blueberry fig newtons next to me.
I had a great weekend. I have read that the days before a woman starts to menstruate, she partakes in "nesting behavior". I felt a comfort in discovering this, because I have noticed this in myself. I actually ran myself a bit ragged going through boxes, making piles, making lists, packing stuff away, and building a pile in the middle of the bedroom (because if a pile is there, and all is moved away from the walls, we will surely get the painting done, right?). I also nurtured myself by re-potting a cyclamen and trimming the raspberry bushes. It felt good to have earth-dirty hands and knees, sun-inspired sweat, and even a few raspberry-thorn claw marks on my arms (I am not a cutter!). I even made the decision to remove one of the bushes come fall and try planting something else there in the spring (green pepper plant???). When I opened the garage door to put the potting soil back, I re-discovered an old dresser that came from my husband's grandpa's house. I stared at it for a second, closed the garage door, started to lock it, and then realized that it was absolutely perfect for our living room. I dragged it out myself and somehow carried it to the backyard. It WILL be perfect once I sand and paint it. I am determined to do this in the next couple weeks. I purposely set it very close to the backdoor so it's an inconvenience. Ha! I'm so good at tricking myself.
Let me say this; I LOVE reusing. I love that we (life mate and I) are ok with just moving furniture around versus buying new and moremoremore. I love that this dusty dresser will fit in, and look totally cool, in our living room. I love it.
This evening, we are going to go through our old VHS's and make more piles. I think I can safely say that I won't miss Fatherhood. It always made me feel uncomfortable. We will, however, never hand off this educational (?) anti-sex video I received in the 8th grade. We still pop that in when friends come by. I have a feeling our friends may be getting some rectangular gifts for Xmas. *laugh track*

Sex

There's nothing that a good workout, good pizza, good cookies, and good sex can't heal. I had been feeling very disconnected from myself in the past couple weeks, and part of it was the lack of sex. The other parts had nothing to do with sex. Wait a minute. Part of it had to do with my pregnant sister, and she DID have to have sex to reach her present "with child" state, so...
Ok. The sex part is my thing, leave my family out of it.

I don't feel sex is discussed positively enough in our society. Sexual deviance and sexual crimes certainly rank high on the Talked About scale, but the health benefits, variations on technique, and sexual satisfaction only seem popular in small, private settings. I, myself, am not someone who wishes to discuss these things with just ANYONE, but I wish the opportunities were easier to come (ha!) by. Ok, right there, me using ( ) around come...is that just silly, or does that expose my own discomfort with the topic? I don't think I'm uncomfortable with the topic, but maybe we all have a certain degree of discomfort. I was raised Catholic. My parents never talked about sex. OH, WAIT! My dad DID claim (to my mom) that he gave us the sex talk (he didn't say "sex talk", I'm sure he said "I explained how pregnancy happens"). I'm afraid the day when my dad explained what cows did when they were in heat was the How Pregnancy Happens day as well. I do remember it. It was summer and the cows were grazing and cud-chewing the pasture behind our house. One cow was making loud, hot puffing noises and then, suddenly, jumped on top of another cow (This made her a lesbian, but I didn't clarify that with dad). I saw this as the cow being mean and bullying the bottom cow, and, feeling visually victimized, pointed it out to my dad. He looked over and, without skipping a beat, said "She's in heat and will be pregnant soon".
That was it.
I was nervous all summer long, for it was quite humid, we didn't have AC, and I felt In Heat myself.
What a deal.

My sex education aside, I hold pregnancy and sex apart. I have never been pregnant, and I really don't know when that will happen. I do enjoy sex; thinking about it, doing it, trying new positions, and then being able to talk about it with friends. I think most people will agree that the act of, and the desired frequency, vary between men and women. I have gone through phases where I want it all the time, where I feel it's a hassle, where I wish the orgasm would be guaranteed. Orgasm! There's a topic! Hmm...that's another blog entirely. I had meant to stay more focused on the reconnecting of body/mind/soul in this blog. Oh, I digress.

Last night was good, that's what I wanted to say. I felt both an emotional and physical need for sex. It was a need to be as close as possible to my husband, my rock, and for my own body to have time for herself.
Afterwards, my husband went biking, and I had time to myself...with my vibrator. I actually exclaimed, "Thank God!" when I climaxed. Because REALLY. Seriously. AH.

I feel much better today. Balanced. Thank God.

My Neighbor and Roseanne

The other morning, at 4am, my husband and I woke up to the sounds of our drunk neighbor talking on her cell phone.

Neighbor: "Hey! Haaaaaay...Victoria, are you there? (laughter) Noooo. Yeah. I just barfed. (hard laughter) I threw up on my arm."

It was actually really awesome, despite being woken up so early. Unfortunately, this is why we can't sleep with the windows open during the week nights. I love this particular neighbor girl, but we have some real loud assholes on our street. I suppose it's not right to call children assholes, but they are assholes when it's 11pm and they are screaming at each other to "Shut the f*ck up, nigga". I feel like when this happens, I can't get involved, because I'm white, I'm lame for being in bed, I'm afraid of what they might do to my dog, and, the big one, their mother is usually nearby and would be more upset by me stepping in than her child speaking so foully. I'm so thankful my mom was intolerant of her children swearing or talking trashy. She wouldn't even let us watch Roseanne. She was thoroughly disgusted with Roseanne. Roseanne never swore on the show, but she was a loud woman with an obnoxious sounding voice. Also, her husband showed obvious desire for her, sometimes in front of DJ the boy, and that probably grossed my mom out. I wanted to be Darlene, until I realized their economic status, then I went back to wanting to be Stephanie or DJ on Full House. Looking back, I realize that would have been a highly inappropriate way to hook up with John Stamos. Or Bob Saget. Sorry Dave.

I wondered often, throughout the day following the throwing-up-on-arm event, if she had washed herself off, or if she just went to bed. I always think about those things. If she didn't wash herself, I wonder if she washed her sheets the next day. She is a cat person though, and they tend to be more tolerable of dirty sheets.

I Will Not Be Like Them

I cut my thumb yesterday when I was slicing a potato. I was using a ridged knife, so I think I actually felt it "ridge cut" the tip of my thumb. This is not good for someone who applies thumb pressure for therapy throughout the week. After doing clumsy things like this, I always lecture myself on slowing down, being more mindful, etc. I wonder if anyone is that mindful. Sometimes reminding oneself to be mindful actually causes more distress.
I had a very painful conversation with my mom yesterday afternoon (this is after the ridge cut incident, and it's unrelated...or is it?) regarding her depression over not being able to have my nieces spend the night at her place. This was a (difficult) decision my sister and brother-in-law felt they had to make, and enforce, to contribute to the un-enabling of my brother's meth use. Basically, my sister doesn't want her kids being around someone who is using meth. No, he isn't always a wreck, and has never done anything to harm them. It's the "what if" and "when" that are looming. It's been extremely difficult for my mom, because she is used to seeing them once a week. My brother is living at my parent's house and, even though he can be an asshole, they are not kicking him out. The conversation was painful not only because I felt sad, but I felt intense irritation. I felt irritated because DAMN IT! Stand up for yourself. You know you'd rather be around your beautiful grand kids than your selfish son, so give him the boot! Find your happiness! Don't let HIM rob you of that joy! FUCK!
It would absolutely be hard to tell my dad that my brother has to go. It would absolutely be hard to tell him (especially if he was decent that particular day) that he needs to find his own place. It will continue to suck though, if you don't do these things. Try.
I wrote my mom an email today saying these things (using different wording and omitting all curses). I feel like I'm Tough Loving her. I'm just sick of the "I can't do anything about this" attitude. It's bullshit. The action is not easy, but it is a possible solution, so DO IT. Gawd.

I don't know if I can have kids knowing full well the possibility of betrayal, pain, helplessness, and resentment lies in wait. I don't know if the promise of all the opposites are enough for me. I can hardly handle it when my husband doesn't seem considerate to my feelings/needs. Why would a child, a teen, a young adult???
But I do believe things can be different. My life mate (I love this term) and I are different from my parents. We will certainly have less children. We reside in a much more urban setting. So, how much of this plays a part? Am I afraid of what I, genetically, will contribute? Does my heart have to be joyous over raising a child to raise a Good Person?
Yup. I'm waiting awhile.

Breathing

I had a shiatsu session last night with Ben. He's really good. Everyone will have a different opinion of "good" when it comes to bodywork, depending on what they need and the energy they exchange with the other person and the atmosphere around them. It seemed like the topic was breathing. During our intake, I told Ben how I had been very uncomfortable the day before with cramps and how I tried to breathe through them. I tried to go into the pain and smooth it out with my breath, my energy. This lead to a discussion on "child's breath", and how children breathe, naturally, from their abdomen, and how we, as we become adults, seem to breathe from higher up. Any breath is good, but we can easily forget how to just breath.
Breathing is something I am trying to work on, mindful breathing, that is. When I catch myself thinking tense (not necessarily negative) thoughts, I take into consideration how I am holding my body. Often times, my chest and upper back are elevated, almost stuck, in place. I want to focus on Dropping my breath and Gathering my breath from my deepest core, letting my abdomen fill and expand, and then it can slowly move up and out.
Something else that helps when I notice tension in my shoulders and neck is to bunch it all up, TIGHT, and then Whooooooooooooo.......let it all out and feel how your shoulders just loosen....

It's all in the breath.

I might start attending a Qi Gong class on Thursday evenings. I had an introductory course in school, but even though I found it helpful, I just wasn't "in the mood". You know how that goes with classes. You can love it, but it's still something you have to go to (and pay for) and work at. I know breathing and moving energy is natural, but I think I need some guidance with it. Also, how wonderful to be in a room full of people who want to breathe deeper? I could use that positive energy.
It's something I'd like to do, but I often have clients on Thursday evenings. We'll see. Perhaps I need a sign.

I have been quite aware of my tendency towards anger, irritation, and cattiness these days. It's draining and I know I need to...breathe differently. I watch my husband, and he seems to breathe from his abdomen. He is much more laid back than me, and even though I'm glad for that, it makes me feel that I carry a heavier "load". I don't really believe this to be true, I just think he can let things go easier??? Is this a female vs. male sort of tendency?
I need to go back to the basics (I don't know if I have ever really been there).

Today is Mindful Breathing Day for me.

My bathroom is always clean enough

If I don't start now, I don't when I would start. I'm talking about living in the actual day that surrounds me. The day I'm actually in, presently, currently, NOW.
I'm a planner, an obsess-er, a recovering neat freak, and I'm anxious.
I am working on all these things. I try to not plan out the entire weekend, try not to have a list that includes "shower" or "time with vibrator", because, really...how climatic is THAT? Since graduating from college for the second time, I've become better about preoccupations and handling anxieties. Much better. I used to sleepwalk like Fred Flinstone, and was just about as "clubby". I think I was probably considered pretty normal, for a student. It's terribly stressful being a student, working, and having a life besides. The Clean Freak in me has had to be restrained. I have to not let myself clean the bathrooms more than twice a month. They really don't need it. I've gotten good at, and it certainly does take a load off, ignoring (ok, it's actually the most acutely aware ignorance you'll ever come across) the floor having a bit of that "sandy" feeling. I feel pride in my ability (when I can do it) to focus on something more important, like people, or a good book, or my dog.
It's all about control, and we all have ways of dealing with lack of control. When I was 13 and my mom was very ill, I'd sweep the kitchen floor about 15 times a day. It was never clean enough and I would have tears in my eyes over this impossibility. Well, that coping mechanism eventually blossomed into self medication and la dee da....I'm better now.
Back to my main point; I feel like I still have this contingency plan in my head "If this is done, then this will happen" or "When that part of life is over, then I will begin to work on that". I could do that forever! I'm at a super great place in my life, and I still have this part of me that feels unfinished, like the list has a few more items, and those items are stopping me from really enjoying these beautiful days. Does everyone think that way?

Today is great. Today I'm going to be with some friends I love to pieces. We are challenging our bodies on this grand 4th of July day, and sweating with friends is a blessing. It will be an interesting day, because some extra friends are coming along and they are...not always tolerable. It's ok though. They have their own challenges ahead. Maybe they are working on being less exhausting to other people, while I'm trying to not feel exhausted with my own thoughts. We will all get there.

God Bless America.