Settled=Content

I've been feeling antsy this week. I have six clients scheduled over the course of seven days, I need to start thinking about packing for camping, I need to schedule a time for my discussion group in September, I have to know I have a haircut scheduled soon (I am feeling frumpier every day-I don't know if I can withstand the growing out process. I might cut it again.), and I have, like, three pregnant friends I want to check in with.
The camping trip I need to prepare for was supposed to include me, Pete, my friend Angie, and her b-friend Andy. This would have been the third consecutive year we camped together, and I was looking forward to it because we reserved a small camping cabin near Tettegouche Falls instead of tenting it. Tenting once a year is fine, but it was either tents or food, and food won. We ate too many of those just-add-water dinners. I retained water like a buffalo that weekend (do they retain water? Probably not. I think we are the only mammals who do so.) By not packing the tents, we were allowing for more Real Food room. Well, we will have plenty of god damn food room because both my guy and Angie's guy didn't get off of work. In my guy's case, it is the busiest time of year, and so, he couldn't do it. The issue here is that he knew this ahead of time, but wasn't listening when we made the reservation, so on and so on. Angie's guy just recently decided to ASK for the time off, and, he didn't get it. I have bitched about this so many times that I feel like the resentment has to almost be gone, but every time I start in on it, it comes back. WTF!?!?!?!
So, it will be Girl Time. It will enjoyable, but if I really had to choose what to do for Girl Time it wouldn't be camping. I like the outdoors and I really love the Northshore, but I never know what to bring or how much. I was also really looking forward to having time with Pete, even if we weren't always alone. Yup, I'm still bitter. I need to see this a much-needed opportunity to bond with nature, get out of the city, and relax. I love laying on the rocks.
Onto the pregnant friends and sister...there's really nothing else that will grab a hold of you and scream "You are getting older!" than a close friend saying she's pregnant. I don't know if it's because I grew up in a small town and have those roots that say you must have a child (once you are married, of course) by the time you are 20, but when I hear that another one of "me" is with child, I gasp. The most recent annoucement was a very pleasant surprise, and it was also an annoucement that made me realize it's becoming more and more ok. I know I'll have children someday, but I wish I'd quit thinking about it as the "end point" of my "other life". I am very much settled in; I'm married, own a home, have worked at the same company for almost five years...yeah...but there is so much I need to do before I want to be a mother. Next summer I will be taking my first out of the US trip to Norway. I'm not well traveled, even though I'm open to it. There are always many reasons to not travel; money, time, and not to mention all those very dangerous people OUTSIDE our country. I've heard awful things about Canadians. Really though, I've just been doing other things.
Being settled is not a negative thing. I feel I'm "settled", but in a comfortable sort of way, not a closed, trapped way. I have to admit though, I've been living life in that "what's next" mode. I think it's a habit from being in school, and being a scheduled, organized person, but it's starting to get better. I am able to stay in the moment for longer, which is a big emotional accomplishment for me.
I am someone who needs to feel settled. I don't need a lot of stuff. It's more about reaching that place inside when you feel safe and are able to sleep well. There will always be a lot going on around me, but I'm most content when I can take in a healthy balance. I don't need or want all of it. Not yet and not all at once.