Last Night

I came out of my acupuncture appointment last night when I heard the news of the bridge collapse. I wanted to cry immediately. Was this because of the news? PMS? Acupuncture? When I got outside the clinic I tried calling my husband. Three times. I started to think about him and how there wasn't a reason for him to use that bridge, but what if he had? I thanked God that people (typically) don't bike across it, and that most of our friends lived in the city, so wouldn't use it. Right? Right? Finally, he called me back, almost irritated by all my phone calls. I knew he didn't know yet, but I still loudly asked "Where WERE you!?!" He had been mowing the lawn, and had no idea what had happened. We live about three miles from the bridge. Isn't that weird? It's just strange to think that there are people living much, much closer, but they probably weren't actually on it. How can you be so close to a disaster, but not be a direct part of it?
My mom was able to get through to me, but after speaking to her, my phone stopped accepting calls. The urgency in my mom's voice made my throat close up, just as it always has during heightened circumstances, as though to keep the screaming in. My chest felt very tight last night, and even when I cried, it wasn't enough. We have very little control over things like this.
There's a big part of me that isn't acknowledging it, not outwardly anyways. I prayed last night and again this morning as I watched the helicopters fly the rescued away. I really feel like keeping to myself for awhile, out of respect, and almost out of guilt that I live so close, but will be able to continue my life as usual.