I Will Not Be Like Them

I cut my thumb yesterday when I was slicing a potato. I was using a ridged knife, so I think I actually felt it "ridge cut" the tip of my thumb. This is not good for someone who applies thumb pressure for therapy throughout the week. After doing clumsy things like this, I always lecture myself on slowing down, being more mindful, etc. I wonder if anyone is that mindful. Sometimes reminding oneself to be mindful actually causes more distress.
I had a very painful conversation with my mom yesterday afternoon (this is after the ridge cut incident, and it's unrelated...or is it?) regarding her depression over not being able to have my nieces spend the night at her place. This was a (difficult) decision my sister and brother-in-law felt they had to make, and enforce, to contribute to the un-enabling of my brother's meth use. Basically, my sister doesn't want her kids being around someone who is using meth. No, he isn't always a wreck, and has never done anything to harm them. It's the "what if" and "when" that are looming. It's been extremely difficult for my mom, because she is used to seeing them once a week. My brother is living at my parent's house and, even though he can be an asshole, they are not kicking him out. The conversation was painful not only because I felt sad, but I felt intense irritation. I felt irritated because DAMN IT! Stand up for yourself. You know you'd rather be around your beautiful grand kids than your selfish son, so give him the boot! Find your happiness! Don't let HIM rob you of that joy! FUCK!
It would absolutely be hard to tell my dad that my brother has to go. It would absolutely be hard to tell him (especially if he was decent that particular day) that he needs to find his own place. It will continue to suck though, if you don't do these things. Try.
I wrote my mom an email today saying these things (using different wording and omitting all curses). I feel like I'm Tough Loving her. I'm just sick of the "I can't do anything about this" attitude. It's bullshit. The action is not easy, but it is a possible solution, so DO IT. Gawd.

I don't know if I can have kids knowing full well the possibility of betrayal, pain, helplessness, and resentment lies in wait. I don't know if the promise of all the opposites are enough for me. I can hardly handle it when my husband doesn't seem considerate to my feelings/needs. Why would a child, a teen, a young adult???
But I do believe things can be different. My life mate (I love this term) and I are different from my parents. We will certainly have less children. We reside in a much more urban setting. So, how much of this plays a part? Am I afraid of what I, genetically, will contribute? Does my heart have to be joyous over raising a child to raise a Good Person?
Yup. I'm waiting awhile.