Stomach

No matter what I eat; carrots, a brownie, fish...moments later my stomach will swell. It actually looks like I'm pregnant. It's not gas, it doesn't hurt, it's just freaky. This is so annoying.
I have a few friends who have digestive issues, and I have always felt for them, but I guess this brings things to a new level of empathy.
I'm thinking back and I believe I've dealt with this-on and off-for many years...geez??? It's been particularly bad the past couple weeks.

Yeah, I need my acupuncturist and see what she thinks. I'd love to just deflate. I suppose I need to think about my ovaries, too...hmmm...

So, there it is.

I'm a proofreader for c.sakes

"falls from the past"...or..does "past fall's" work? Do I need the "'s"?

"it's A job"

Gawd.

I went to the park, by myself, for lunch today and it was wonderful. The air was crisp, the sun high, and I felt at ease. It is all about the breath.

Work is busy and I've heard people swearing frequently. I am trying to not curse so much, unless I am certain it won't come across as trashy. I had a co-worker offer me a brownie the other day and her "reason" for baking was "I had the mix, I had the eggs, so I decided to just make the shit"... Oh, mmm, yum.

Here's a few things

It's a new day and I'm eating oatmeal with peanut butter and banana. My green tea is hot and comforting. Quality sleep is not guaranteed for me when I'm menstruating, so I'm trying to connect with this morning, this day, this oatmeal.

My busy time at work is starting much sooner than past fall's. In fact, it used to hold off until December-January. I'm taking it as it comes...it's job, it pays the bills, and I could use some overtime money.

I've recently decided that...
...I need to get my workout in before work, and I NEED to sweat
...I will use my new library card
...the use of double negatives does not mean someone is uneducated
...the use of double negatives will always hurt my ears
...I think I've been consuming too much sugar
...sleep is more important to me than sex during the work week

I care very much what people think

I do. I must. If I didn't care, then why would I feel so guilty about not using the sewing machine my mother-in-law gave me three Christmases ago? I don't sew, so, why would I use it?
Sewing machines are very cool, btw, but I just do not want to take the time (or my small reserve of self patience) to learn how to use it. Perhaps, someday, when I'm a mother, I'll have more time (riiiiight).
I was sitting upon the toilet this morning, and, besides the obvious wave of expected relief, I felt another wave. A you-are-doing-just-fine wave. I'm not sure what exactly has been going on in my body/mind/soul this month, but August has been really heavy for me. I had a could-I-be-pregnant scare, conflicting discussions with my life mate on how to handle it (had I truly been pregnant), my cycle went all to f*ck, I was crying on and off for two weeks straight (one time the trigger was a rippin' annoying Rod Stewart song), and I had a friend's wife call me in the early morning hours to question my fidelity and, basically, call me a slut. All of this made me question my role as a woman, a woman friend, a wife, a sister, and a feminist. My body has been changing, and I don't know why or when it started to happen. It has been feeling things differently. I need to accept this gift from Mother Earth, or else. I will go crazy if I don't, and I feel like I've already had a touch of that recently, and it didn't feel good.

LIST TIME!!!

I will try to:

pat myself on the head daily
regularly make a list of things I've done in a day, not the things I need to do
find time for yoga, and, if I truly enjoy it, give more time for it
appreciate my legs for being strong, not flabby
defend myself if falsely accused-in a classy, memorable (blog worthy)way

That's enough for now. Yes, I will add "know when i've done enough before doing too much" to the list.

New and Old Things I've Recently Enjoyed

(Woohoo-look at me, look at me! Posting AGAIN in August!)

-Adele (pronounced "A Doll") I like her sound and she's cute as a button.
-The thought of eating a corn dog, but not actually doing so.
-York Peppermint Patties
-smoothies (bananas, raspberries, OJ, ice, and vanilla yogurt)
-Pineapple Express. The movie. But if anyone can get their hands on the variety, I'd be game.
-Not wearing underwear.
-Biking.
-The smell of a conference room after many different people have been in it-the mix of fragrances has been invigorating.
-Wearing dresses and bike shorts.
-Planning cleaning projects for my home.
-BUST magazine. Always and Forever.

Um, I know I'm deviating from my Dash List, but I was most flattered this weekend when a young woman told me that I look like Regina Spektor. F*cking THANK YOU!

Health

I am a fairly-very healthy individual, in my opinion. I had to go into work late today because I was feeling Not Healthy. It wasn't anything serious or dramatic, but it reminded me how lucky I am. I have been slacking lately; not enough sleep, straying from my workouts, and even skipping an acupuncture appointment that was needed. Why? I don't know.
Anyways, I need to get back on track. I'm being kind to myself this evening and having an easy "movement" workout, and I'm putting myself in bed by 9pm AT THE LATEST.

Yes, today was weird for me. The heavy, achy feeling started last night, and this morning I felt drugged. There was no way I was going to make it to work on time. I fell back asleep and entered Weird Dream Territory...it was a feverish two hours. It was also somewhat erotic-in that scary, confusing way. Yeah. I'm complicated. Ok, but really, the irrational what-if-I'm-pregnant thoughts started to enter my mind. Not because i had any real symptoms, but because I felt so different emotionally. Fairly-very healthy people DO that when they don't feel perfectly fair/very. It's annoying. My boobs hurt and I wanted to cry often, but other than that...I SHOULDN'T be pregnant.
So, I did what any normal gal would do...I stopped at good ole CVS before heading to work and then took a pregnancy test in my company's bathroom. One erect line says NO! I then wrapped so much toilet paper around the used sigh-of-relief (I laughed a little, too, which is probably what made another female scurry so quickly) I almost couldn't fit it into the feminine box. I did though, and I'm grateful that my "box" is still just mine for the time being. Someday I will allow that massive change, but not now.
SO, this leads me to wanting to make a list. I love lists, especially dashed or bullet pointed lists. The list will be "To Do B4..." the B4 is in reference to before baby and a shout out to texting. I will have the following categories; Home, Body, Career.

I will get on that later.

Can I take that back?

Yes, this is my third post in ONE DAY and it's been well over a month since my last post...

I'll just get right to it. When I was in college, I did an internship at a non-profit publishing press. It was Awesome.
I loved reading manuscripts, being around other people reading manuscripts, meeting people who wrote those manuscripts, and watching the process of a manuscript becoming a book that people could hold and love and pet.
It was Awesome.

Anyways, I still had a semester of college left after I completed the internship. A professor organized a gathering for students to ask me questions about the internship, and other professors attended (ugh, I'm starting to feel embarrassed). At one point during the Q&A, I made a comment about how I "never wanted to comprimise myself", and I certainly meant that, however, I think it came off sounding pompous. Well, it MUST have, because a professor that I really respected actually scoffed.
Scoffing is different than laughing. Scoffing is a noise that says, "Oh, f*cking NICE. NIIIICE". I realized it immediately, but I didn't retract, or try to rephrase, my comment.
I don't know what made that feeling come back, but it has again and again over the years.

So, yes, I never want to comprimise myself, BUT I am more (or was) than willing to work for my position in an organization like that particular publishing press. I think I might have sounded like I was saying, "I don't plan on doing any little piddly tasks, especially now that I'm HOT and RAD after working in the City"...

That scoff haunts me.

This should have been my very first post.